insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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