I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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