i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
