If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
