hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
