Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I did not marry a roomba.
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