my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
