i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
