i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize