i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
