last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
