I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
