I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
