my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
