thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
