I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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