I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize