like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
