i need an iv and a liver transplant
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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