....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
