if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
