I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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