Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
