Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
