I wish I could teleport
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize