Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
