I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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