I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
