Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
