Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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