He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
