i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
