then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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