Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
