I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
