Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
