i love accidental penises.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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