Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
