There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
