it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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