Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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