I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
