I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
