So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No subtext here. People are naked.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
