my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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