I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We need to rekindle our bromance
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
