He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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