He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
now i know why i became what i already was.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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