My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
