I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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