So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
