This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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