If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
