This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Sober January is a disaster.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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