I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize