Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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